If each day, each hour, you feel… in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, as long as you live, it will be in your arms, without leaving mine.
- Pablo Neruda
They say the more you deny or hide your feelings, the stronger they grow to be. That wasn’t the plan…
So, I admit it.
I still loved you very much. I shouldn’t, and I have been accurately aware of that. That is why I denied it even to myself, because the time is overdue, there is no point, and I was still stuck on that.
But it’s because you were the best thing that had happened to me, and if the basis of life is the emotions we experience, then some of the greatest days I have ever lived were with you…
Memories are hard to let go. Memories carry emotions by association. Memories I carry of you… Therefore, I justify the nostalgia, in missing you when you come to mind.
“Well now, If little by little you stop loving me, I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me, Do not look for me, For I shall already have forgotten you. -Pablo Neruda
You were smarter, and stronger when it came to this. You did not waste time. You played your options… Because you are beautiful, youve always had many.
And if you ever missed me, You always knew where to find me with arms wide open.
It could not have been more easier for you to move on.
To explain: Cutting an addiction is not the same for addicts who cut from one moment to the next than it is for those who give themselves smaller and smaller dosages until they are strong enough to not need it anymore.
Feeling ‘in love’ with someone has a very similar, if not identical, chemical process to that of heroine inside the brain.
That is why this seems so stupid for those who choose not to understand the concept, And yet so difficult for those, who we pity, are currently missing someone they freshly just lost.
But its been long in my case, Though I know I have love for you and your memories… They are almost numb now.
It was the doubt, in not knowing with certainty if destiny could ever present a possibility, which made it sacrilegious for me to help the natural process of erasing someone, by finding someone else. Just like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. It was me who chose to keep this alive by not letting anyone else in.
But now I know. Now I have that certainty.
“ How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot, The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned.”
Each wish resigned… this wish, I resign.